pulling the plug

For the last 5 and half years i have been in a relationship, at least 3 years of that has been long distance (about 6 hours apart), and about the last year of that 5 and half years has been up and down, the last 3 or 4 months have been without us talking, which pretty much lead me to believe that things ended a long time ago. Last night i pulled the plug on this relationship, while this might be one of the hardest things i have had to do, i felt that it had to be done, that there had to be an official end to it and not just something left up in the air and in question. I certainly have been wondering what my status was for awhile.

Every relationship i have ever been in has ended very badly, to the point of me no longer being able to talk to anyone of my ex-s. I have two that are married (one now divorced), one that has kids, and a few others none of which i can look in the face or stand to be in the same room as. However with this relationship i didn't and don't want that to be the case. This person was my best friend for 5 + years and knows more about me than probably anyone. I can't think of any thing that i have committed to for more than 5 years, so this was not easy. I just felt that between the long distance and us growing up we both grew apart and simply became different people. We both became to involved in our own lives to pay attention to each others and being far apart made that really easy.

So all in all everything went very well and it is good to close a book that has been open for too long, even though it certainly was not fun and hurt a lot to do. I never feel like hurting peoples feelings (though i know i come off like a jerk, i might be the nicest jerk you'll ever meet). I really feel like i can still be friends with this person and continue to have them as part of my life. I just can't commit to a relationship with that person right now and know that it is right. I am depressed and confused and having panic attacks and bad anxiety, but having an answer to everything kind of helped with all of that. The best way i can put it, is that it is like watching some die that you know was going to die for a very long time. You know that is over and that you just have to let it go. I am at peace with it. It's not easy, and i have cried a lot in the last few days. I am not real sure why i am sharing this other than maybe it will explain a few things to the few that read this, and will keep me from having to explain in person. I am just happy that i can walk way and know that i still have one of my best friends by my side.

I'm sorry if i fucked up.

ugh...

i have had a adventure in reality and it has been both wonderful and awful i am in a blizzard of what the fuck right now. Mixed emotions and lost hopes, things don't get easier as you get older and i am terrified with every decision i make. I just don't think you can bend over backwards for people without breaking your back and being left there to suffer in your own pool of doubt. It just sucks to crush people but at the same time get crushed yourself. I don't want to be the person who doesn't talk, but right now i have nothing good to say. If i do talk it seems to come out wrong. I don't know that i can explain this or that it needs explaining. I feel awful and mean no harm. I need to close a chapter and move on.

ALL THINGS MUST PASS

It's been forever, who cares. Lot's has happened i have thrown a vegetable tray at someone, i have seen a hat fly off an old mans head flip 3 times and land on a bicyclists head and he was riding by and the bicyclists had no idea, i have played multiple shows, i have drank multiple beers, i have recorded half of a new record, i have voted for a new president, i have put things off, i have got things done, i have seen movies, i have got mad, i have got sad. NONE OF THIS MATTERS.

I just felt like writing today, as there seems to be a lot on my mind. Not sure that i am in the mood to share, but maybe i will start updating more often.

It feels weird when your whole life no one has ever given a shit, and then you think maybe someone does, but hey all things must pass. I won't hold my breath i'll hold my stomach cause it hurts. ANXIETY IS A BITCH. blah

lets go on tour and forget about columbia already.