on being a musician

I just was just interviewed on the stigma of musicians, i never had really thought that much about that topic before. The interview was for a college class project, some sort of final project worth 70% of these peoples grade. It wasn't all about musicians, it was the stigma of ex-cons, policemen, and musicians and how they relate to each other. I never really thought of myself being looked down at or up at for that matter, that i had reputation to keep. I have felt judged by people before, especially in Columbia where people sometimes think of you as being this unapproachable asshole that they can't talk to. The truth of the matter is i think most musicians are shy, or have some sort of social anxiety disorder. I know i do for sure, i am terrified of most people, i hate social interactions and hate interviews. I feel like i gave some OK answers to this persons questions, but the more i think about things and start to write this blog i feel like i could have answered a little better. I think of the 3 (ex-cons, police, and musicians) that musicians have the least stigma about them. I think ex-cons have it rough, how finding a job must be hard. You can't really lie about that, musicians can get jobs. People just don't like you quiting to go on tour, but you don't have to tell them you are a musician to get a job. I think the hardest part of being a musician is the personal aspects of it. You never have money, you are always broke or trying to save for that next tour, instrument, recording, buying a van, making merch, etc. It is very hard to have a relationship or find that person who is going to put up with all the bullshit of dating musician. Most girls/boys would be jealous of a touring musician because you are away from your loved one and meting new people every night so the potential of meeting someone and hooking up on the road is there. So money and relationships are hard, so is finding a steady job that will let you tour. As i was sitting doing this interview i thought if i had to do this all again, if i was given another chance would i do it. Go back to being 12 and never buy a guitar, never start a band, and never play music (at least not in the sense of how i do it now). I have been playing music since i was 12, in bands since i was 14, touring/recording since i was 16 and though it has gotten better over the years and i feel like each band i do is better and better and more well received and is more of a success, i just don't know that i would do it all again. Granted i could quit at any time and do whatever, it's not like i am 60 and have nothing else in my life. However i am approaching 30 and it gets a little scary to not have a steady job, because you might have to quit to go on tour, and to not always have money, and to worry about having a girlfriend. Being a musician is weird because you basically know that you are going to fail, hardly anyone becomes famous, or can make enough money to support themselves let alone a family. I know there are musicians that do and are very happy, but when you think of how many bands there are and how few of them get to any level of success it is pretty scary. I know that i am lucky to be in a band that tours (though i wish we did more), that has a record label that will pay to put our music out, and has people that like or music and shows. Yet i feel like a failure because i know that more than likely i will never be successful at it, that i will never make enough money doing this as i could working a "real" job. The other end of that though is would i be happy working a real job? I can't imagine myself going into the same place 5 days a week for the next 40 years. I think that would be awful, i don't know how people do that to be honest. I realize it is nice to have that consistency and have money and not have to worry about things, but i couldn't go to work, go home, and do it all over again the next day for 40 years. I realize it is not that extreme, and lots of people love their jobs and the field they are in. I just know that i hate going to work as is and have no interest in working at the place i am at for even another 4 years. i love playing music and traveling and yes it takes it toll on you. I have met a lot of wonderful people (some of my best friends) through music and have traveled to nearly 40 states and to Canada and had chances to go to Europe, all through playing music. I wouldn't change any of that for the world, but when faced with the question of would i do it all again if i knew that at 28 i would be in a band that was probably never going to be a huge success and that i knew that i would be in the state that i am in now, broke most of the time, questioning a relationship, hating my job, depending on 3 other people for the amount of work our band does. I am pretty sure i wouldn't do it again, this is not a life of luxury by any means. I feel very much like a child who has no idea what path they want to take and it is fucking scary. It is hard to be in a band with people and you know everyone else has a life and jobs and relationships, but you want everyone on the same page. It works for some bands. Some bands give up everything and the band is their world and nothing will get in the way. By no means am i asking for that, everyone deserves their own life, but it becomes very hard to have to depend on 3 other people for your bands success. One wants to tour more than someone else, one wants to stay home more, one wants to play new songs, one wants to play old songs, one thinks this song sucks, one wants to play this show, one doesn't. Conflicting points of view. It has taken years of playing with people to weed out the good and bad and come up with a band of people that i feel comfortable with, yet also respect as musicians. I know i found that in my band, i am more happy than i ever have been playing with these people, but not on all levels all the time. I definitely feel like i want more, and that i am willing to give up a lot for the success (or potential success) of our band. It is hard to ask and expect everyone to be on the same level though, and feel like if we do break up that will be the reason why. Because one person wanted to do more, or one person couldn't do as much. That gets harder with age, and is something i think about a lot because what if i want a real job, or want to settle down or have kids. That was one of my stigmas i brought up, is that people assume that if you are musician and get married, or have kids that you are fucked (at least this is thought by a lot of other musicians) that basically you broke up the band that you can't go on because all you time and money will go towards your family. While this does break up a lot of bands i'm sure (it broke up one i was in), i do feel like you could still be in a band and be successful with a wife and kids. Tons of people do it, but most of them are probably successful before hand. While I'm not sure if i would do it again, i also have no idea what else i would have done. I love art and think i am pretty good at it, as a kid i wanted to be a chef, so maybe one of those. I was never good at sports, or really good at any subjects so that ruled a lot of things out. i regret not going to college sometimes, but i also look at almost all of my friends and family who have degrees and they either aren't using them, don't work in that field at all, or are making about as much money as i am, but also having to pay a ton of loans off. I'm not sure where i am going with any of this, my mind just wonders sometimes, the end result is to be happy. It is not all about money (though money helps) it is about doing what you love and being happy doing it. I am not always happy being a musician, but i think more times than not i am happy being one. i guess form a stigma point of view, people who think musicians have it made are wrong. Yeah it is great if you are the beatles, the rolling stones, or radiohead and have complete control over your music and make a ton of money from doing what you love. I am sure they all have their own share of problems too. Drugs, fame, people wanting that money, no private life, etc. So being a musician- good or bad? i am not sure, all i can say is, if i am going to continue to do this i need to make sure that i am happy doing it. I need to work for that, again a lot of that depends on other people and putting yourself in a position where you are going to be happy. I might start playing as a touring bass player for the foundry field recordings, and in a way that to me seems like a better position for me as a musician one that i could be happier in. I love playing with my dudes don't get me wrong, but touring with someone else and not having to worry so much about everything. Plus i get along with Billy and i think it would be fun to do and i enjoy the songs as well. I think i am just looking for people to play with that are on the same page, and while bald eagle provides that for the most part, it isn't 100% there all the time. It might be impossible to every find that, and i know i am not the easiest person to work with all the time. i am not sure what else i can write on this as i feel like i am going in circles with my point, so i guess i will end this. By the way if you would like to give my band a million dollars to play a show we will gladly do it, and then i can retire and not have to worry about anything and make really weird music with whoever the fuck i want to. Kids don't become a musician, there are too many bands and most of them suck and you will probably suck and be broke. You should go to school, get a real job, get married to a hot chick and have kids then come to my show and buy my records and think that i am cool but realize that you are mores successful than i will ever be.